meequalcriminal

Thu, 07 May 2009 00:24:49 GMT

my problem

The Grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for

each one of those categories has somewhat lingered about of my life

ive realized this for a long time, just dont know where to begin again

its one thing to know whats wrong, a whole other to deal with it

Fri, 01 May 2009 17:18:22 GMT

fuck my life
ive felt like shit everyday now for 2 weeks
circumstances self induced and not delt with...lingering unsettlenesss. (im sorry) i dont know how to talk to you? i havent
put what happened out of mind at all , actually it has been the number one thing on my mind almost everyday.. i dont know
how to fix what the last couple of years have done to our friendships..maybe thats why i feel so cowadly towards talking
it out. im sorry i love you, and i am a coward....
circumstances that are totally out of my control, are bothersome as well
i dont know how i am supposed to care about someone and let them slowly destrct themselves, while trying to keep a
positive face, because what they are doing isnt "socially" decalred destructive, and in the begining i was 100
percent supporative, now my eyes have been opened to a lot more, and honestly it scares the shit out of me. but at
the same time i want to think you will be ok......
circumstances that i cant even put a lable on... i guess from an outsiders point of view the words i would use to describe how i feel would be called depression . but depression is a part of life and not a disease, as i can always say so easily say when others talk of depression. its just an overwhelming amount of complex negative energies i gotta do some sorting

maybe grouch will ease my mind tomorrow night
i always love seeing his smilein bald head

i havent even accomplished anything in this time span..besides finally doing my laundry, and taking a
shower last night

Trying to build a fence around these magic beans my dreams are gathered

Sun, 08 Mar 2009 21:30:24 GMT

i need to get going on all my ideas dreams an goals
i feel like ive had so many ideas marinating lately
i cant wait to learn to draw so my designs can become what they are in my mind
highly considering internet college vs clark
i could do fahion merchandising online or basic buisness at clark
or pay 80 grand and go to an art institute(pfft)

the key goal idea is a bright bubbly happing affordable clothing botique downtown
with vintage/modern/acessories..... not quite figured out exactly my target customer will be (not a buffalo of teeny bopper feel for sure) more classy colorful

then i can eventually use my own store to incorporate my own designs
and use that as a starting point for a design career in the way future when im older

i cant wait to learn buisness...
i want to learn it all so i can do it all my own way and make money and be successful my own way
and live in my own cute tacky house... and have my own cute little store that i can work at and be my own boss and be happy about going to my job everyday

plus having your own buissness can be so exciting in the way of having your won space you can use however you want
i mean you can have shows... art galleries... anything on top of a day clothing store
you can contribute to your communtities through small buisness and keep the ANTI big buissness american values ALIVE!!

i have so many ideas for marketing, product placements, and just little things from the organazation of everything .... and the whole other plain of accounting
its all interesting to me thats why i thingk this whole things gonna work out

i just need to go to school so i can start my fucking rollercoaster of small buisness im going to get myself into : )

lingering thoughts

Sun, 15 Feb 2009 22:23:44 GMT

the whole argument or disscussion thing if you wanna call it that has been on my mind ever since it happened....

its starting to make me realize how important underground hip hop is to me now
its the most amazing feeling in the world to find inspiring, uplifting, emotion provoking influences in life
its good that i can find connections in hip hop with everything! i can relate
thats the draw probably
i mean the connections in hip hop with almost every other genre is prelevant with soooo much hip hop
everything from hardcore,political, metal, country, classical, ambeiant sounds, pop, techno, i mean everything you can think of..(not even getting into beats and turntableism) and their connections as well.

i love hip hop influence on things like fashion and art
-graffitif movement
-pop art...ranges endlessly..upperplayground opened my eyes to hundreds of artists with hip hop influence... ect
visual art
---bright colors, bold statements, fat curvy fonts, as well as sharp edgy shittt ;)
-and all that goes into the fashion aspect im not gonna even get into yet

lyricallly,, and as far as words/poetry go i find hip hop very fufilling to my mind
i cant get over the flow of words now and how they fit into music and beats
(i guess it was hip hop that finally opened my eyes to a different level of music)

i am getting aesop lyrics on the inside arches of my feet

tell me which font you like better if you care to
just curious im going towards the first

i know as with everything there are flip sides and i acknowledge there is radio rap and THIZZZZZZ music, but thats not what im talking about, thats not real hip hop
and lil wayne

ramblings

Wed, 20 Feb 2008 16:56:10 GMT

im attempting to make myself happier....
school is easing up, as graduation is slowly but surely staggering upon me
zak and i have started workingout and it feels great
creative thoughts and ideas have been popping up in my mind, i think im going to start writting and drawing a comic-esk book, and i want all my friends(or anyone who wants to) to put in their ideas and art
finally i feel like being social again...
things with my family are the calmest they have ever been in my life
my mother and I finally are connecting
my relationship with zak is amazing, i honeslty feel like hes my soul mate, no words or expression can express
and finally some shows im looking foward to, are happening

bills are scarey
having to absoultly work 6 days a week for 7 hours sucks, and is draining
and going to school everyday..
old friends and realtionships are a constant downer
its a lingering, and unresloved issue
very akward also

i had a very odd fry on saturday, that not only enlighntend me, but also relived me, and scared me
its was also very silly, zak and i prentend that outside our apartment was infested with zombies and we made plans for him to run and check the mail without getting eaten alive and i watched him through our window
i also wrote a lot of non sense, that i get

Mon, 07 Jan 2008 19:40:23 GMT

i also dyed my hair blue-black and its ugly

Mon, 07 Jan 2008 18:51:20 GMT

living is so strange. i cant comprehend things like politics or taxes, even though i try. growing is weird, i dont know if i am doing it right. a constant feeling of putting myself "together" lingers in my mind. i always feel not "together", i guess. theres so much on my plate, i do that to myself. i miss a lot of things, the way i was. even though, i could never go back, with the things i know. i cant go back and be reckless. i am reckless now, in a different way. relationships i dont get. i dont get people. they make me annoyed too easy, and conversating with them seems empty. people who were once so close to me disappoint me now. im sorry.

Sat, 18 Aug 2007 04:22:50 GMT

In general, my life has been treating me reasonably well. It's insane how much can change in the span of a couple months. I feel like I have grown up a lot lately. I miss some things too, though. I feel good.

Wed, 13 Jun 2007 19:51:26 GMT

rip
big beautiful piece i got on 420
zaks little blue one

fux

BAD BRAINSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Sun, 27 May 2007 18:30:06 GMT

last night bad brains blew my mind, i am still at a lose of words
they were seriously glowing for the hour and half set
i cant belive i got to see bad brains

fuck

Thu, 17 May 2007 07:05:48 GMT

i want to actually learn how to tag, ive been starting some drawings and im falling in love
im taking a summer class on clothing design

i would also love so very much if people would make music with me
i have so many amazing ideas for somewhat of a joke fun glam loud sassy band

people have been a let down lately
i dont know.... all last night and today i have been in the gloomiest strangest mood ever, i randomly start to feel tears in my eyes too, i dont get it, and i wish it would pass
and theres a lot of anger too

Sun, 08 Apr 2007 18:03:09 GMT

There is no blatent reason for me to be feeling uneasy. I keep trying to figure out what is wrong with my mood. I feel like I am stuck, kinda scared to move on. I really should move on, it scares me to be with anybody else, and when i am, it doesnt feel right. Something needs to change, because I am growing very heartless. I smile, try to not be sad or offened. I have never given one person so much lean way for all the fucked up shit they do, and honeslty I have no idea why. It would just be nice to be the one reasured for once.

Wed, 21 Mar 2007 06:52:54 GMT

why is it so hard to sleep? i just want to stop worrying about things and be able to sleep for once, and stop crying at everything
things are crushing me all the fucking time
nothing makes me feel good anymore
and people are shitty
and im always bitching

Thu, 15 Mar 2007 05:09:41 GMT

i simply cannot put into words how much i hurt right now
i dont know how someone can be so vicious to another person, especially a mother, my mother
no matter what i say, you will never know how much of a monster she is
usually i dont care what people say to me, easily brushed off
everything she says to me lingers in my head all the time
she breaks me, and no matter what i try to tell myself, i cant seem to not care

Mon, 12 Mar 2007 15:19:38 GMT

i cant stand it when people hangup, drive away, and slam doors in my face when im trying to fix things
thanks mom for never failing to always do these

i need somewhere to live

Thu, 08 Feb 2007 03:26:20 GMT

i fucking hate what some things have become

Thu, 04 Jan 2007 00:21:35 GMT

i dont feel good, i feel like crap. people are so upsetting sometimes
i just really want someone who will be there for me

Wed, 27 Dec 2006 21:52:25 GMT

heavy cold tears roll down my face bringing mascarea with them, sparadic but each one holding more emotion than fathomable
you mean a lot to me

9:53 PM

Thu, 07 Dec 2006 05:53:36 GMT

random thoughts:

i dont know if i should feel bad about taking my moms chevron card and filling up my gas tank.....sometimes

the greatful dead is really amazing right now

now that ive had a taste of winter, i wish it was summer more than anything

i miss gregs basment room, that some random guy now lives in

driving around at night with elliot smith playing is really nice

i dont know about freckels

secretly i kinda liked melrose and think she should have won over caridee

i cant wait for my chirtmas present from tasha

its going to suck when i start working 6 days a week

sometimes i feel way too sassy

drugs to an extent are actually really good

the other day i drew a really really good crab, all with the help of dave from art class

this is very odd

Mon, 04 Dec 2006 20:19:38 GMT

why is it do hard for me to grasp as simple as a concept as public school?
i cannot physically push myself to go
i hate everything about it
i do not learn anything
i do not enjoy any part
i see no reason for me to go to something everyday that puts me in an awful mood, and is not helping me "prepare for the real world" as they say, but we are already living in the real world. i mean how much more real could you get

im at the point where i dont know what to do. i dont want to drop out or anything. school is very important to my mother, and there is some degree that i have to do things to please her.
instead of sitting down with me to talk about the problem my mom feels the need to tell me that i am worthless because i cant even go to school (and of course has to bring marijuana into the picture)
but i dont think she can understand the point i am at with school

its going to really be miserable to go through and finish
but i guess its something im going to have to do?
but i dont know why
this sucks

Thu, 30 Nov 2006 21:08:28 GMT

sometimes i feel like life is completely out of the hands of the living, and then sometimes i feel like it is totally up to the living to take matters into their own hands

its been so long since i have done anything that has been worth my time/enriched my life at all

i feel like im not living anymore

Wed, 22 Nov 2006 04:38:02 GMT

life should be a quest for the best weed
with food, shelter, friends, and enough money

Thu, 16 Nov 2006 06:13:17 GMT

today was good
i fell asleep at like 9 for once
and awoke to an emotional drunk crying mother
i dont like holding my mom while she spills her tears out to me
so tonight sucks and i feel like shit

Mon, 30 Oct 2006 00:31:29 GMT

last nights show was very inpowering. it was amazing to see so many kids come out and support ryan/local music. it was also very nice to see people again, but at the same time i am finding it extremely hard to deal with people lately. i am so much more content by myslef or with like one other person.
my life is going to go into robot mode soon, which i am kinda in need of. im going to be focusing on school and work, i'm starting work again tomorrow, and maybe getting another job. it sucks that i have to use all my savings for my shoplifting fees. im just going to start saving my money so i can move out comfortably in less than a year or so. maybe slow down on smoking weed, and im also starting my workout routine tomorrow. so i can focus on that stuff, instead of my shitty ass realtionships right now. people are going to be set to the side for now, its time to focus on my mind, body, and emotions.
oh yeah i did mushrooms the other day and experienced the deepest pit of sadness i have ever felt. maybe thats the trigger to my constent sad/bad mood lately.

Wed, 25 Oct 2006 03:38:05 GMT

the most extrodinary amazing feelings come out when i am high
its my most favorite feeling
especially with amzing extordinary people